Adopted By Christ

I had a divine appointment yesterday. Steve and I were keeping my best friends, boyfriend's two kids. They are very sweet and adorable. They are 6 and 4 and have a lot of energy. Needless to say now that they have left our house feels a little empty.

Yesterday a firend of mine posted that there was a fair going on and that it was free. So I decided to take the kids since Steve had just got off work and he wasn't feeling so good. I figured he could use a couple of hours of quiet and the kids couple use a couple of hours out of the house. So we make it to where they are having the fair and we walk up. Apparently my friend had no idea that this was set up for the kids in foster care. Thankfully they let the kids go in and they got to play for a little while. The people were very kind.

When we walked in there were kids everywhere. I couldn't believe all the kids. Babies all the way up to teenagers of every size, shape, color, etc. And the foster parents ranged in age from young to old, black to white, short, to tall, etc. You get my point. The kids were so fun to watch and they were so charming. They were having a great time.

Then they went to give out the gifts that the community had been generous enough to donate. They had two bikes and a flat screen TV for the parents. It was wonderful to see the giving. Every foster child got a gift.

My heart was full to bursting by the time we left and it reminded me how selfish we can be during the holiday season. We tend to focus on what we are getting or what we are giving to those close to us, but what about to those that don't have the luxury of having people who truly care about them. What about that child who is spending Christmas with strangers, or that elderly person who has no family left. What about the homeless person under the bridge that can only hope they will get a meal or that person who thought success would bring him happiness. Do you ever stop to consider anything other than you and your family during this season that should be based solely around the greatest gift we were given....eternal life. Do we focus more on the material gifts that we are given or do we focus on loving those that Jesus would love if He were physically on Earth now?

It really opened my heart and my eyes to see these children getting to celebrate a good Christmas with children like them. Thankfully these children were able to see that there were people who really did care and that they were not forgotten. It was wonderful to see the generosity of the businesses and communities in their giving to be able to provide gifts for the children.

I know my mind is already working on a way to give to these children. Most of these children aren't there because of something they did, but the selfishness of their parents. It was more than apparent in the eyes of some of the older kids that were there. One in particular stands out to me. She was a very pretty girl. Probably around 12 or 13. She is in the Methodist Home. In other words, no one will ever adopt her. She will age out of the system and then who knows. Maybe she will go to college. Maybe she will make something of herself, but the reality is that she will probably end up on the streets for a while or maybe find some guy who might take care of her, but who knows at what price. She may end up on drugs or with a criminal career. There are so many roads that this girl could possibly take and due to being forgotten she will probably choose one that will harm her. To look into her eyes you would understand why I say this. Her eyes were hard. She had built that wall around her heart so that she couldn't be hurt anymore. To think that a young girl has already learned how to guard herself to the pain. Does she know that she has a heavenly Father that will take that pain or does she even believe that a good father can even exist? It is so sad to think, unless something changes, she will probably always have that hard look to her eyes. She will always be fighting for her place in society.

I tell you about all this not so that you will write a check to some foster agency so that these children will have a little more for Christmas. I write because these kids don't need money. These kids need people to surround them and love them. They need people to show them God's love does exist and isn't some fairy tale that they can't believe in because they dont' have that luxury. When are Christians going to put foot service to lip service. We are so quick to write a check because we can keep some distance to the problems in our community. We don't have to be soiled by them. But we forget that's exactly what Jesus did. He got down in the trenches and loved the orphaned and the widow. He loved the whore, the dirty tax collector, and the religious man whose heart turned to repentance. A man raised from the dead was a close friend and everyday hard working men were his followers. The rich man turned away from him and His own people on Earth crucified Him. And yet He died for them all so that we could give the ultimate gift to each other by telling them of God's love for them.

Isaiah 54:1

Isaiah 54:1 "Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband." says the Lord

As I read this verse in the middle of a Sunday morning service, I realized that God had finally answered my questions and pleas. I also realized I had opened my heart to him enough to allow an answer in.
I didn't know on November 1, 2006 how much of a burden I was going to carry when I went under the knife. I was so focused on relieving the pain, I was sure I could deal with any emotional side effects that hit me.
Over the next year I was too busy watching my world fall apart to care about the emotional side effects I was pushing aside. I was having to deal with too many other emotional problems.
Finally in the summer of 2007, I hit rock bottom. I had no where to turn to for comfort. I was too ashamed and angry to turn to the one that could help me the most. So I kept digging in the rocky terrain that makes up rock bottom trying to run from my troubles.
By spring of 2008 I was running out of steam. I couldn't not deal with the emotional issues anymore. I have to find an outlet.
In late 2007 I started to visit a church with a friend and that's when God started chipping away at my walls. I still resisted. Who does God think he is anyway?
Over the next several Sundays the pastor preached on marriage and what a husband's role is, what a wife's role is in a marriage, etc. according to the Bible. I can't even begin to tell you the emotional turmoil I was in. Every sermon reminded me of what I wanted and how much of a failure I was. I refused tofall back on old habits though. Something was pulling me forward.
Finally in the spring of 2008 God finally broke through my hatred and bitterness. I was too emotionally worn out to keep him out any longer. I finally started to listen. One by one, like science projects in the fridge, we began to identify each problem and throw them out.
First to go was my hatred and bitterness toward my failed marriage. That turned out to be easier than I expected. I realized I never loved him and had married him out of selfish desires. I was more upset at myself for being so stupid.
Next I had to goodbye to the anger toward my parents. The feelings of betrayal, sibling unfairness, and lack of support took a while to work through. I finally realized that being mad at them was only hurting me.
Then my anger at being barren had to go. First I had to identify that I wanted a child before I could work through the anger of losing that option. Lying to one's self is so much easier! Working through this took a lot of love and patience on God's part. I had just realized how much I wanted children and the implications of my surgery finally hit me. I didn't want to let God off the hook so easily.
As each one of the badly rotted dishes were thrown away, I started to realize where the real stink was coming from, the dirty refrigerator. It reeked of neglect and abuse. Stains that I knew would never come out. This old, battered, beat up, good for nothing refrigerator was of no use to anyone. No one would want to buy it, heck you probably couldn't pay someone to take it! I sat down and cried over how worthless I was. Now that I didn't have all that hate and bitterness at everyone else in there, I could finally see how much I hated myself and how much I blamed myself for such horrible acts I had done.
I pushed God away when he tried to hold me. I knew no one wanted something as worhless as me! I was empty with nothing to put back in.
On March 23, 2008, God finally showed me how much he wanted me. By showing me all the sins I had committed and reminding me how he died for those sins. He showed me how much he cared!
I didn't know how I deserved his love or even if I truly could accept it 100%, but I knew I desired him and really wanted to make up for all my wrong doings.
Since that miraculous day, God has shown me I don't have a debt to repay to him. He took care of it all on the cross so that I can accept him love in its fullest capacity. No strings attached.
The day I accepted him and his love, that old beat up, worthless refrigerator became brand new. The stains were gone, the stench was gone. It took a long time for me to see that I didn't have to wipe away the stains or that they were still there. He had already taken care of them.
The more I opened myself up to his love, the more I found I could love myself and start to love others. With love came forgiveness of myself and others and through that forgiveness I was finally able to have peace in my life.
I can not change the past. I still pray that one day the good Lord will bless me with a child, but for now I have the promise of Isaiah 54:1. The other stuff in my past is just a beautiful reminder that God gives second chances. It serves as a reminder of how I no longer want my life to be and a life that I no longer have to live.
I am a forgiven, redeemed, blessed child of God now and though I will never be perfect, I will always remain forgiven.